Three Steps to Stop a Divorce
Most couples who divorce don’t split up because they stopped liking each other or because the chemistry died. After more than thirty years in marriage therapy, I can tell you the real reason is simpler: when a problem comes up, they don’t have the skill set to solve it. So the problems pile up under the rug until everyone starts tripping.
If you sense your husband or wife is thinking about leaving, treat it as urgent.
What not to do: badgering, criticizing, arguing, or trying to out-logic your spouse. If they’re already looking for an exit, pressure just becomes one more reason to go.
Follow These Three Steps to Stop a Divorce
- Listen and validate. Ask what’s frustrating them, then really listen instead of preparing your rebuttal. Summarize what they said, and tell them their feelings make sense. Validating is not agreeing.
- Think it through. Alone, ask yourself honestly; even if I don’t agree with what they’re asking, am I willing to do it to keep my family together?
- Come back with a plan. Tell them you’re prepared to accommodate them, and ask for a chance to prove it — a two or three month moratorium, marriage therapy, or weekly check-ins so you get honest feedback.
One condition: no counter-demands. Offer it as a gift.
There’s no guarantee. But if you’re sincere and honest, you’ve given it your best. We can’t control other people. All we can do is respectfully and calmly influence them.
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