Conflict Verses Abuse in Relationships
Often, couples quarrel amongst themselves. Relationship conflict, although painful and regrettable, is not automatically emotional abuse. Abuse is a husband attempting to bully his wife to demonstrate that he is the boss, or the opposite, a wife bullying her husband to claim her role as being superior.
- To get their way on a particular issue is not abuse. It is arguing.
- To establish a rule that one person makes all the decisions, regardless of how his or her partner thinks or feels, is abuse.
You need to consider both possible explanations for your relationship problems.
Conflict
Disagreements Between Equals
Conflict is normal in any close relationship. It happens when two people have different needs, opinions, or feelings.
Signs of Healthy Conflict:
- Both people can speak
- Opinions are respected
- No name-calling or threats
- Problems are discussed
- Apologies and compromise happen
- You still feel safe and valued
Example: “We disagree, but we can talk it through and work on it.”
Goal: Resolution and growth.
Abuse
Power, Control, and Harm
Abuse is not about disagreement. It’s about domination. One person uses fear, manipulation, or intimidation to control the other.
Signs of Abuse:
- Insults, humiliation, or threats
- Gaslighting
- Blame-shifting
- Silent treatment as punishment
- Monitoring or isolating you
- Making you afraid to speak up
Example: “You’re stupid. This is your fault. Don’t argue with me.”
Goal: Control and submission.
Argument Intent and Synopses
- Arguing over what color to paint the bedroom is not a sign of emotional abuse. Rather, this quarreling is an expression of differing opinions, and though the bickering is unfortunate and unpleasant, it does not mean you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
- Arguing to establish a ‘relationship rule’ that a particular individual always makes the home decorating decisions, regardless of their partner’s feelings, is an example of abuse.
If Mary needs to make an important phone call and is insistent that her husband quiet the children so their playing does not disturb her call, this is not emotional abuse. In this case, Mary only wants some help from her husband. If Greg insists his wife is ALWAYS responsible for keeping the children quiet so they don’t disturb him when he watches TV, takes a nap, uses the phone, or simply wants quiet time, this is emotional abuse. The ‘always’ implies an entitlement to be treated special regardless of how Cindy feels or what her needs might be — this is emotional abuse.
Dina insists her husband, Peter come home immediately after work and help her in the home. When Peter is home, she demands he comply with her instructions since she knows best how to do things ‘correctly’ and he is not allowed to stop helping her until she says he can stop. If Peter attempts to resist her control or do things in a way other than how she wants them done, Dina threatens him with divorce and says he will never see his kids again. This is emotional abuse!
Joe, wanting to get together with some friends and go to a sports bar to enjoy a game, meets with opposition from his wife, Mary. Mary explains her mother is having a birthday party on this particular evening and she would like him to attend with her. They argue about whether Joe should go to the sports bar or the birthday party. This is not emotional abuse. Rather, this is an argument more about what is more important as a couple, family responsibility or relaxation.
Susan likes to occasionally get together with some of the friends she had before she married Sean. However, Sean has told her she is no longer ALLOWED to associate with her old friends, and she needs to stay home in the evening and keep him company. They always fight whenever she wants to go out. Sean threatens her with punishment, and he prevails. Susan stays home. This is emotional abuse because the intent is to isolate and control Susan’s life.
In the above examples that are labeled ‘abusive’ the intent is to establish permanent and systematic control over one’s partner. The intent of the disagreement is one of the most important signs of emotional abuse. When the intent is to establish superiority and entitlement over one’s partner, then it is emotional abuse.
Each person in the relationship is of equal value, and no one has the right to control another person. Should an individual try to claim superiority and claim the right to control his or her partner, this is abuse and must be resisted and denounced.
Tendencies of an Emotionally Abusive Person
- Insisting on respect. Chastising you when you are deemed to not have been sufficiently respectful.
- Controlling communication. When, how, what to talk about.
- Dehumanizing you. Disregarding your feelings and needs.
- Controlling your socializing. Taking the position that you don’t know when you should be talking to others, what you should say, and how to conduct yourself.
- Demanding your attention. Your abuser becomes jealous and tries to stop you from talking to friends or family, or insists you stay home should they want something from you.
- Unfeeling. You are hurt or crying and your abuser doesn’t care.
- Invalidate your feelings. Whenever you share a feeling it is considered to be “wrong.”
Recognize Conflict Verses Abuse in Relationships
It can take time before you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship. Like toxic waste that slowly contaminates the environment, abusive behavior will over time contaminate your marriage or a committed relationship.
When evaluating your relationship to determine if it is abusive or not, compare your marriage or committed relationship with your relationship with friends and coworkers. When you are with them, how do you feel? Likely you feel understood, valued, and respected.
On the other hand, how do you feel when you are with your spouse or committed partner? Do you feel the same as when you are with your friends? Do you feel respected and liked when you are with your partner as you do when with your friends? If so, likely you are in a healthy relationship. However, do you feel put down, confused, disrespected, and your feelings disputed when you are with your partner? If this is the case, likely you are in an abusive relationship.
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Act Now to Stop Emotional Abuse
No one should agree to live in an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to reclaim your human right to be treated with dignity, respect, and equality. Get more help from qualified professionals:
