Discover the emotional, financial, and family consequences of divorce after infidelity and what couples should consider before deciding to end their marriage.
The events of an affair-induced divorce are reasonably predictable. You must be prepared for this being your new normal — at least for a few years.
Most victims of infidelity suffer greatly as they try to reestablish their lives and keep their children emotionally healthy.
Typically the divorce tragedy unfolds as described below.
The Fight
When a couple has children, or there are large financial assets at stake, divorce is not an event. Rather, it is a lifestyle change. Ongoing parenting and endless litigation often keep marriage disputes alive for many years, even post-divorce.
In a childless divorce with few assets, often, the cut can be clean and quick.
Typically, the divorcing couple fights about their relationship and who caused the divorce that has led to the disruption in the lives of the children.
Even when it is the perpetrator of infidelity that has triggered a divorce, they will never acknowledge this fact. Typically there is a great deal of gaslighting (a form of lying by trying to confuse the victim), and the cheating partner denies any responsibility whatsoever for breaking the marriage.
The perpetrator tries to turn things around and blame the victim — his or her partner whom they betrayed.
The unfaithful partner insists on denying what is evident or blames their partner, while the victim announces to the world what their partner has done.
Both partners go around town advertising the most embarrassing secrets and repulsive activities of the other, which is highly unattractive to the captive audience.
Soon, everybody agrees that these two are correct to divorce.
If children are involved, their parents’ slandering one another is especially embarrassing and burdensome.
The ‘divorce fight’ leaves the children, extended family members (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins), and many others with deep wounds.
Are you ready for this if you divorce your cheating husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend? Yes or No.
Total Relationship Breakdown
Having an affair breaks the relationship bond. Both the cheater and the victim are disoriented, confused, and angry at one another! But it can get worse…
The couple can divorce.
The divorcing couple fight during the divorce proceedings, creating more and more mistrust and distance between one another.
The divorce process causes increasing amounts of chaos and confusion for everyone, including the children.
The divorcing individuals often, intentionally or otherwise, use the children as weapons to accuse and hurt the offending and offensive partner.
Divorce is overwhelming and universally proclaimed as painful, disruptive, and destructive.
Are you ready for this if you divorce your cheating husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend? Yes or No
Post-divorce life goes on
Eventually, the infidelity victim and the unfaithful spouse find new partners, and life starts over again.
If there are children, they too now have additional parents — in total, they now they have four.
These new step-parents may or may not be loving and caring with their inherited children.
When there is reluctance and resistance by the stepparents to embrace their ‘new children,’ this will cause great anguish for both birth parents.
When the newly minted couple creates step-brothers and step-sisters, the difficulties increase exponentially.
Every family therapist knows “blended families” are difficult, and family peace and cooperation are not guaranteed.
Are you ready for this if you divorce your cheating husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend? Yes or No
Human sacrifices
Divorce injures everyone in the family. Financial stability, social relationships, aspirations for the future, and mental health are often sacrificed on the altar of divorce.
Both partners, but most often the philanderer with more frequency and greater intensity, are shunned by family members and friends.
Regardless of the circumstances or position in the divorcing process, one individual is thought of as “good” and the other as “bad.”
The choosing sides by family and friends, and the ensuing gossip, are just another layer of emotional trauma that accompanies the divorcing tragedy and impacts everyone in the family.
Divorce is difficult, and for many, the complications are long-lasting
In a contested divorce, one or both parents pressure the children to choose who they are to be loyal to, who they are allowed to love, and who they can spend time with.
Often one parent ends up rejected by the children. The ‘alienated parent’ is devastated, bitter, and alone.
The children caught in the middle of the conflict between their two parents are severely injured. This unfortunate, yet very common dynamic, is called Parent Alienation.
Parent Alienation can have a severe negative effect on the mental health of the children, and their emotional injuries will likely haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Eventually, the desired divorce is achieved, and everyone involved gets surrounded by tragedy.
The divorced individuals then seek support from family and friends for help to get through the state of mourning that will likely last for years.
Are you ready for this if you divorce your cheating husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend? Yes or No
If you answered “No” to any of the above questions about divorce, take a second look at reconciliation.
If your cheating spouse or partner does not seem to be ready to reconcile based on the first 8 questions, perhaps a trusted friend or a professional can speak to him or her and explain the dire consequences of continued cheating or divorce.
Rebuilding your relationship takes commitment and hard work
Surviving infidelity is difficult. This is why divorce often follows cheating.
If you are to survive infidelity, you will need to work at it for several years.
Post-infidelity events, a couple’s relationship can become stronger, more loving, and healthier. I have witnessed many couples achieve this.
Alternatively, you can get divorced, which is often more difficult and painful than building a healthy, loving, and trusting marriage.
You choose not to walk away from your marriage
Although infidelity recovery is hard work, in the end, this is a better solution, especially when you have children.
However, if you decide to recover after the affair is over, be forewarned that you must carefully avoid common mistakes that can slow or prevent a successful recovery.
All couples will benefit, and many will require, the help of a competent relationship therapist to provide marriage counseling in a kind, respectful, and practical way.
After the affair, reconciliation is not always possible
For the reasons presented above, sometimes it is not possible to rebuild your relationship.
Knowing when to walk away after infidelity will help you determine what your next steps should be.
Staying in a toxic relationship that has been created as a result of a partner’s cheating is self-defeating, and your mental health will suffer.
If you need to end your relationship with your partner, it is necessary to accept your new life the best you can. Yes, it will be difficult. But it is better than a lifetime of living in a loveless relationship.
The bottom line: Don’t settle for a broken marriage. Life is short, and you are meant to be happy.
Either fix your marriage that has been damaged by your cheating partner or walk away from them. Don’t just settle for a toxic relationship.
If you need to end your relationship with your cheating partner, it is possible to find a new and better person to share your life with.
Many people have succeeded in their second marriages. This too is hard work. However, for most people, it is preferable to living alone, with loneliness.
I hope after having read the above material, you can now answer the question, “When to walk away after infidelity?” or at least you have learned what you should do next before you make your life-altering decision to fix your marriage or walk away.
Wishing you and your family the best, professional couple therapist and infidelity expert, Abe Kass, MA RSW RMFT.
Bonus Infidelity Help
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