Helping Your Partner Heal After Your Affair
Healing after an affair is over, meaning you have ended it with your outside lover, and you have decided to stay together, requires your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend to get over the affair and comparing themself to the person you had the affair with. It is likely, your partner thinks that you have cheated because you have found someone better than them. Without your help, your partner will continue to compare and conclude that he or she is inferior or worthless.
This is one of the primary reasons surviving infidelity is so difficult, your partner’s self-worth goes up in smoke. Your cheating has shattered their trust, security, and normalcy.
If your partner is a woman, she thinks your paramour must be more beautiful, sexier, and fun. For your part, if you compare your wife to an affair partner, this is an act of cruelty. Comparing wife to affair partner is putting another emotional knife in her back!
If your partner is a man, he thinks your paramour has more money, is cooler, and can take better care of you. For your part, if you compare your husband to an affair partner, this is an act of cruelty. Comparing your husband to the affair partner is putting another emotional knife in his back!
Infidelity recovery includes contributing to your partner’s building of his or her self-esteem and self-worth. It is also an opportunity to redeem yourself and, in time, contribute to being forgiven for your betrayal.
Getting over an affair, includes you never talking favorably to your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend about your former outside lover. Reducing or eliminating the ‘comparing themself to your affair partner’ reaction is one of your first tasks in healing after an affair.
Never compare your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, to the person you cheated with.
It is harmful. Don't do it!
There are many steps after the affair that are required for healing. One of the biggest of all the steps you need to take as you and your partner are getting over an affair is psychological healing.
Emotional Damage Caused by an Affair
Healing after an affair requires that you repair the emotional damage your relationship infidelity has caused to your partner. You need to re-establish in the mind of your partner your sincere desire to be with him or her because you want them as the main person in your life.
Your partner fears that you might only be staying in the relationship because of the children, social pressure, financial benefits, or because you have been rejected by your outside lover. None of these reasons will give your legitimate partner the security he or she needs to get past your betrayal.
Your partner needs to know that the reason you are ending your affair and choosing to stay in your marriage is that you want to reconnect with him or her and share a life. Anything less than this will not work. Healing after an affair requires that your partner does not compare himself or herself to your past outside lover.
It is not the comparison itself that is so deadly. Rather it is your partner’s feeling that your paramour is better and more desirable. Healing after an affair requires your dispelling his or her thinking that he or she is only second best.
Let Your Actions Speak Louder than Your Words
Getting over an affair partner includes convincing your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend that he or she is preferable in all ways compared to your outside lover. Telling your partner that he or she is preferable to the person you cheated with is insufficient. You need to prove it with deeds.
The following are some actions that you can take that demonstrate to your partner that he or she is your number one person:
- If your partner requests that you attend couples therapy sessions, cooperate and respect his or her request and need.
- If your partner has questions, when you answer them, make sure that you are respectful and sensitive and that you take full responsibility for what happened. Never lie to protect yourself or your partner.
- Be willing to give time to your partner in whatever way is needed to help him or her recover after the affair is over.
- Willingly sacrifice your ‘privacy’ so your partner can reassure himself or herself that you are no longer in contact with your lover. This includes sharing your passwords to your devices and a willingness to account for your whereabouts, and all of this should be done without resistance or time limitations.
You broke your marriage or committed relationship, now you have an opportunity to fix it! Your contributions to healing after an affair will be remembered and will contribute to a future healthy, loving, and long-lasting relationship. It may even hasten your being ‘forgiven.’
Follow Words of Admission with Words that Foster Healing
Husband: “I cheated on my wife, and I take full responsibility for the pain I caused her. She did nothing to deserve this. Through this, I’ve realized how deeply I value her, how much I’ve taken her love for granted, and how committed I am to earning back her trust, no matter how long it takes.”
Wife: “I cheated on my husband, and I am truly sorry for betraying his trust and hurting him. My choices were wrong, and I own them completely. He has always treated me with love and respect, and I’m committed to doing the work to become someone worthy of his trust again.”
When these words are followed by healing contributions of ‘time and effort,’ your partner knows you want to be with him or her. You are then on the road to infidelity recovery.
If You are Suffering from Infidelity Consider Professional Therapy
Most often, the assistance of a relationship professional who specializes in infidelity is required to help you in your healing journey after an affair. Below are sources where you can find qualified therapists.
