Should You Forgive or Not Forgive a Cheater?
Forgiveness requires that the perpetrator of the cheating take 100% responsibility for the affair, which is proven in their words and their deeds. Only then can the cheater request forgiveness. And only then can the victim of infidelity consider if he or she wants to forgive.
Forgiveness for cheating needs to be earned — plain and simple!
Giving Your Cheating Partner a Free Pass by ‘Just Forgiving’ is Harmful!
When the cheater does not take what they have done to their partner seriously, and they are flippantly forgiven, the relationship is left vulnerable to the bad behavior being repeated in the future.
Forgiving someone when they don’t take responsibility for the affair, they are not remorseful, or they have not requested forgiveness is not genuine ‘forgiveness.’
- True forgiveness is a deep dynamic that occurs between two people.
- True forgiveness requires dealing with the reality of what happened.
When an injured person just ‘forgives’ someone who has not done what is necessary to earn forgiveness, this causes additional injury to the relationship.
There are many infidelity betrayals:
- Sharing private and personal information outside the legitimate relationship
- Lying and misleading one’s legitimate partner
- Keeping secrets from one’s legitimate partner
- Sharing emotional intimacy with an illicit person
- Sharing sexual intimacy with an illicit person
- Spending money secretly
- Being absent from the primary and legitimate relationship
Forgiveness can Often Predict the Outcome of Infidelity Recovery
Often “forgiveness” is the greatest predictor of whether his or her marriage or committed relationship survives.
All the above cheating behaviors deeply injure the victim of infidelity, the legitimate partner.
Without earned forgiveness, relationship recovery is impossible.
For example, without earned forgiveness the cheating partner can still not be trusted. After all, he or she has not proven they take responsibility for cheating and regret having hurt his or her partner as well as many other people.
Infidelity can strike a couple at any time.
Even after an individual who cheated does all the necessary recovery work, and forgiveness is granted, what the future holds is never certain or guaranteed.
Certainly, most individuals who cheat will never again engage in such bad behavior. However, this is only proven by the passage of time that spans many years.
At best, the victim of infidelity must struggle, unable to know with certainty what his or her “repentant” partner will do in the future. This uncertainty is one of the many injuries caused by a cheating partner.
The Cheater Needs to Repent
Individuals who have an affair come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Some of them are serial cheaters, whereas others only engage in a momentary error of judgment, leading to a single act of betrayal. Regardless of what kind of cheater an individual may be, they can repent and thereby redeem themselves from their relationship betrayal. When a cheater repents, they may or may not be forgiven.
Commitment
Numerous types of love characterize a relationship. The highest form of love is Commitment. It is this love that most influences infidelity recovery. When a former cheater reconnects to their partner with Commitment, the marriage or relationship has the highest chance to survive and even thrive.
Commitment, is an understanding. It’s an unwritten promise that overrides and supersedes reason, logic, and convenience. Commitment when present is the strongest and most durable factor in your relationship.
Commitment in a relationship means that if a wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend has negative feelings about his or her partner, they will not be used as a reason to cheat.
Commitment. is loving your partner with a similar commitment that a healthy parent has naturally for his or her child. This is the essence of a Commitment-love. As such, it is an ironclad bond that is never broken.
As a core relationship value, Commitment-love supersedes temporary feelings of dissatisfaction.
11 Ways Commitment is Expressed in a Healthy Relationship
- If your partner has a medical condition that interferes with your sex life or another significant part of your relationship, you find a creative way to carry on despite the problem.
- Your partner gets angry, and you don’t react in kind.
- Your partner makes a mistake and feels terrible. You say nothing to add to his or her pain even when the mistake impacts you.
- If something seems ‘unfair,’ you do it anyway.
- Helping your partner when he or she is incapacitated by illness.
- Participating in events organized by your partner’s family even when you don’t want to.
- Holding back from making a negative comment about something your partner has done so as not to upset him or her.
- Not objecting to decisions your partner has made even when you think they are ‘wrong.’
- Forgiving your partner for a serious relationship error he or she has made when doing so is in his or her best interest.
- Your partner is hurt and threatens to terminate the relationship. Knowing it is not a good solution for your family (especially when you have children), you hang in there and do your best to fix the problems and reassure your partner that the relationship will get better.
- Your partner has cheated on you and has repented, you continue to work with him or her to heal and redeem yourselves and your relationship.
In the day-to-day reality of a marriage or committed relationship, the opportunities to demonstrate Commitment-love are endless. The ultimate expression of Commitment is forgiveness. However, forgiveness must come from the heart and must reflect reality. However, commitment is a two-way street. If your partner cheated on you, he or she needs to demonstrate by working on infidelity recovery and taking the process seriously.
If you are the victim of infidelity, commitment does not mean being a pushover or a doormat. It means you are willing to work with your partner regardless of the darkness that they have brought into your home.
If your partner has cheated on you, and they have fully repented, I hope you find it in your heart to begin the relationship repair that is needed to rebuild your marriage or committed relationship.
Regardless of whether you are the cheater, or you are the victim, with the right effort you can have a loving, respectful, and long-lasting relationship.
Don't Let Infidelity Be the Death of Your Relationship
Most often the assistance of a relationship professional who specializes in infidelity is required to help you survive infidelity. Many thousands of couples have successfully overcome infidelity and have gone on to live together in a healthy, normal, and loving relationship. Here are sources where you can find qualified therapists:
