Why Emotional Abuse Happens
The reason why a person becomes an emotional abuser is complex. There is no clear scientific evidence to point to a single cause for why emotional abuse happens, and there is no blood test that can determine who is an abuser and who is not.
While we cannot control our genetic inheritance, however, we can control the environment in which we live. And if we are parents, we can influence by example and education how our children will behave once they are adults.
A loving environment where all members of the family are treated with respect will most likely produce a kind, respectful, and loving adult.
On the contrary, a harsh environment where the value of family members is demeaned and disrespected will probably cause a person to have low self-esteem and poor self-worth.
Emotional Abuse Might Be Rooted in Childhood
Emotional abuse may be learned from one’s family of origin. Parents who spoil their children are doing them no favors. Parents need to set limits and teach a child how to be satisfied with less than they want.
A child should not get their way by demanding or throwing temper tantrums.
When parents coddle their children and give them everything they want, they are setting them up to do the same once they are adults and make unreasonable and harsh demands upon their adult partner. Adult behavior like this is often the first step toward abuse. A spoiled, narcissistic child believes that they are owed everything. As an adult, such a child is unprepared for the reality of a healthy relationship that requires sharing, respect, and acknowledgment of one’s partner’s human rights. Sometimes, childhood neglect can also lead to an abusive adult. For example, if the child is home alone for many hours of the day and evening without any governance, they may become indulgent. Any limitations may seem foreign to them, and they will be resisted as an adult. A person may have been raised with inadequate parenting, and this is the reason why they become an emotional abuser.
Childhood Observation of Abuse
Children often model what they see and understand. If children see “emotional abuse,” they may think that it is normal and that this is how to conduct oneself when they are in their own adult relationship.
In a family, abuse can come from a parent or a sibling. Such abuse is internalized by the observing child and then replicated in their own adult relationship. Sometimes, it could be even deeper and more complex. An adult partner can behave towards his or her partner in the ways that he or she was treated or observe others being treated during their youth. It is a phenomenon similar to “trauma bonding.”
A trauma bond is a pathological connection an abused person has to their abuser. As an adult, even when the abusive person is no longer present, the victim may then turn into an abuser, reenacting what he or she experienced.
In these types of situations, it can be very difficult to identify the reason a person has a tendency to be cruel and insensitive toward others. A good relationship therapist can uncover these hidden causes of abuse.
Glorification of Power
Some families have their own unique culture that glorifies power and violence. Guns, violence, war, and the like are central themes in homes where some abusers came from or in the homes that abusers have created for their own families.
When strength and power are equated with ‘entitlement’ and the ‘right’ to do something, abuse goes with the turf. Only families that recognize the intrinsic value of each individual and that decisions and governance are based on kindness and respect will abusive behavior find no place to live.
Individuals who were emotionally hurt because they were not given a full measure of love and respect as children, can still overcome their childhood deficiencies to be loving and caring partners and parents.
Emotional Abuse May be Rooted in Low Self-esteem
There are many reasons individuals have low self-esteem. Most of them never become abusers, but some do.
When a person has low self-esteem, they often don’t like to think about themselves. The negative thoughts that come through reflection are painful.
One of the many ways to avoid thinking about oneself is to find fault in others and to create arguments. Doing so keeps the focus outside of oneself. Thus, abuse and all its associated volatility are self-serving.
People who feel worthless and unappreciated sometimes resort to bullying tactics to get others to acknowledge their worth. To the extreme, this can evolve into emotional abuse whereby the perpetrator tries to force the victim into acknowledging his or her superiority.
Although extremely dysfunctional and self-defeating, it’s a way for the person with low self-esteem to now feel that he or she has value.
Emotional Abuse Might be Rooted in a Person’s Genetic Code
We all inherit a set of genes from our parents. These are tendencies, preferences, and attitudes that influence how we relate to other people.
Yes, we cannot change our genetic code, but we can modify it through the use of our consciousness and willpower to become better than we would be if we were to surrender to our natural inclinations.
Some individuals with inherited tendencies may require medical attention. If that medical assistance is rejected, it is possible that such an individual is not fit to be in an intimate relationship with another person.
Personality Disorders
Numerous personality disorders express themselves with extremely aggressive and insensitive behaviors. Some examples of such disorders include narcissistic personality disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Living with individuals who genuinely have severe cases of these personality disorders often means living with conflict, uncertainty, and disappointment, especially when the underlying disorder is left untreated.
The recipient of the emotionally unwell individual feels emotionally abused, and from a technical point of view, he or she is. However, with appropriate medical and therapeutic help, it may be possible for such individuals to become ‘reasonable enough’ to contribute and live in a healthy and loving relationship.
Impulse Control
Due to their genetic constitution, some individuals find it difficult to resist their impulses and reactions to various situations. An example of a condition where the lack of impulse control is known as Attention Deficit Disorder. Also, some people who are naturally prone to fits of anger and rage would qualify as an individual having a difficult time controlling their reactions to unwanted events and situations.
Individuals with the above conditions may or may not want to control their partners with anger, bullying, or selfish behavior. Regardless, such behavior cannot be tolerated within an intimate relationship or family.
There are many therapeutic and educational resources to help individuals who have difficulty controlling themselves to attain greater self-control and awareness so that they are more fit to live in close proximity to others.
We are all born with “good genes” and “bad genes.” Through education, determination, and a little help from Above, a person can overcome many natural but unwelcome tendencies and replace them with healthy and positive behaviors and attitudes that are good for oneself and for those whom one shares life with.
Good marriages are made. Rarely do they happen on their own. Often, the essence of overcoming relationship difficulties is learning how to behave properly in spite of one’s genetic impulses and tendencies.
Substance Abuse Can Increase Emotionally Abusive Behavior
When a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they don’t behave the way they would when they are clean. While substance abuse is not a direct cause of emotional abuse, it can increase a person’s tendencies to act emotionally abusive. Regardless of the cause of emotional abuse, a victim of emotional abuse suffers the same pain and humiliation.
If someone chooses to use drugs or alcohol, and others have told him or her that their intoxication brings out abusive behavior, it is the substance abuser’s responsibility to stop the abuse by getting clean.
Refusing a lifestyle of sobriety means that they are unfit to live in an intimate relationship or family. They are causing havoc and hurt to each family member. Whether or not they intend to abuse, they are the cause of their abusive behavior, and they must be held accountable.
There are many good programs to help people who are addicted to substances or other addictions, and there are many people who are in recovery or who have recovered.
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